Funny SMS Jokes

→ We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!

→ I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING

→ All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.

→ If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

→ When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

→ Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

→ Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

→ Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

→ I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

→ Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

→ Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

→ First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

→ Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

→ Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!

→ Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

→ Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

→ Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

→ Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…

→ Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......

→ My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...

→ Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?

→ I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

→ Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…

→ If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…

→ Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!

→ Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............

→ Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!

→ It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

→ News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

→ God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

→ The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

→ CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

→ Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

→ This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

→ Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

→ I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

→ ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

→ Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

→ Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

→ Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

→ Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

→ I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

→ There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

→ What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

→ What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

→ I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

→ A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

→ Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

→ What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

→ Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

→ Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

→ What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

→ The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

→ Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

→ WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

→ What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

→ Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

→ Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

→ What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

→ What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

→ Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

→ Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

→ Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

→ I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

→ I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

→ How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

→ For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

→ What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

→ Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

→ Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

→ Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

→ What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

→ What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

→ How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

→ Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

→ Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

→ Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

→  A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

→  Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

→  I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

→ If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

→  Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

→  What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

→ I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

→  It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

→  I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

→  Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

→  You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

→  I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

→  My Reality Check bounced.

→  Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

→  Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

→  Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!

→ Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

→ Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

→ There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

→ Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

→ As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

→ Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

→ What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

→ What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant

→ Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

→ A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

→ Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1

→ What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

→ What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

→ A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

→ Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

→ How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

→ Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

→ If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?

→ Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

→ If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

→ Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.

→ I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

→ I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

→ Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

→ A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!

→ Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

→ A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

→ A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

→ A dyslexic man walks into a bra

→ A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

→ A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

→ Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

→ I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

→ Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

→ News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

→ God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

→ The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

→ CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

→ Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

→ This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

→ Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

→ I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

→ ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

→ Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

→ Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

→ Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

→ Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

→ I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

→ There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

→ What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

→ What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

→ I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

→ A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

→ Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

→ What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

→ Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

→ Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

→ What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

→ The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

→ Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

→ WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

→ What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

→ Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

→ What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!

→ Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

→ What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

→ What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors

→ Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

→ Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

→ Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

→ I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

→ What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.

→ I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

→ How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

→ For sale : Air Bags, Used once.

→ What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

→ What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

→ Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

→ What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

→ What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

→ How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

→ Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

→ Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

→ Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An fucking know it all.

→ A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

→ Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

→ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

→ I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

→ If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

→ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

→ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

→ Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?

A: Bobbing for french fries.

→ Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?

A: One has a real live culture.

→ Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?

→ Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.

→ friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx

→ (_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!

→ He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

→ Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!

→ Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!

→ T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network

→ I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!